Slowly, clumsily, with huge waves of self doubt intermixed with moments of joy and determination I am finding my way back to work 3 years post injury. This is an emotional journey as much as physical. Fresh grief has been stirred up as I see colleagues who have moved on with their careers while I was home sleeping, sleeping, sleeping. I am painfully aware of my vulnerability, disarmed by an unfamiliar uncertainty. And SOooooo soooo tired.
Can I do this?
My heart screams “yes”!!!!! My tiny “baby groot” brain swirls…no clear thought…no deep sense of confidence. What I DO have is an intense desire and deep drive. Being back in the working world I am slowly discovering what aspects of my old self remain intact and what has changed. There have been some pleasant surprises and some frustrating ones. There have been BIG ups and downs. There will be more…no doubt.
Pacing has never been my strength. I just want to GO. My answer to most struggles is “keep moving”. I don’t like limits, I love problem solving and people and a good project to sink my teeth into. I’m sick and tired of pacing myself!! Yet…in recovery…too much is the same as not enough. You have to figure it out, through trial and error, through mistakes and awkward moments. You have to humble yourself and take advice. Push too little you stall out. Push too much, you flame out. The goal is a gentle smolder 😉
The goal is sustainability. It’s about movement, not speed. It’s about doing what works for you…not what you wish would work. It’s many many deep breaths, heavy sighs and chances to try again. Finding the will to give yourself a little push, and the wisdom to practice a lot of patience.
I have no idea what will come of this but if I fail it will be for lack of imagination, not effort. The truth is…I know I can not fail. I will discover what is awaiting me. Because I am not sitting still. I am moving, in shuffles and sprints. I am moving imperfectly forward learning and eventually making peace with my pace.